Okay…breath. Breathe out, breath in – that’s it. Oh yes, I need this; I need me time. I’ve been really looking forward to this all day, really I have. Clearing my mind, calming down all those negative thoughts, letting my nagging inner voice just fade into the back ground. That’s it, fading away, hush now nagging voice, hush…hush…hush
I should have worn big pants; this thong has gone right up my crack.
Shh for god’s sake, just let all those concerns drift away like…like…
Ouch, crap, that’s really hurting. Even squirming hasn’t sorted it out – bugger bugger bugger. Okay, no one can see, they’ve all got their eyes shut – just stick your hand down your trousers and hook it out before it cuts you in half.
But what if the woman behind me sees?
No, everyone had got their eyes shut, she won’t see.
Oh crap, I haven’t got my eyes closed, what if she hasn’t either? She always looks so bloody perfect anyway; I bet she’s got organic whole-wheat pants with ethically sourced bleedin’ elastic. Bet they aren’t up her bum.
Okay – right – she’s a class swot, so she’s got her eyes shut for England. Rock forward, slowly onto the right hand…transfer weight…right hand down tracksuit…wiggle…wiggle. Damn I can’t get it, gonna have to look round and…
Bollocks – she’s looking, she’s seen me! Knuckle deep in my backside as well!
Face front, breath - breath – pretend like it was nothing, pretend like it was the downward facing dog or some shit!
Never mind, never mind – find your centre, breath…breath.
Why do all yoga positions sound like sex positions? Oh god I’m horny, single and horny and stuck in a yoga class I only did because I thought that bloke from human resources was going to be here.
No, that’s not true – you’re doing this as part of your promise to yourself to get fitter and healthier – to give yourself some me time.
No, you’re doing this because you’re too much of a coward to do real sport and this seemed like a less scary option than actually sweating. Like when you ate a two finger kit Kat because that’s better than eating a four finger kit Kat, until you ate the second two finger kit Kat later when you thought no on was looking.
Shh - you are not going to spoil this for yourself, you made a promise and you’re going to keep it. For you, you’re going to do this for you.
Breath. Relax – let the cares and stresses of the day just drift…drift.
Oh who the hell am I kidding? This is not me, I don’t relax. I too much Chardonnay and a sneaky fag; I do worrying about stupid stuff and not breathing and over thinking until my head hurts. What the hell - Yoga only does you good, it doesn't help anyone else does it?
Oooh - Is what they mean by achieving self-awareness?
Really need a pee now.